I had the weirdest dream the other night. It went something like….
It’s time for my 1st annual year-end music awards. Now I know what you’re thinking, it’s not the end of the year and Ol’ Heath has finally lost it… for good this time. But, as you may or may not know, I’m a feedlot accountant, and keeping with the accounting tradition of putting a fiscal year at an odd time, I thought I’d use a fiscal year to do my awards and to beat the rush, so to speak. Now you may also be wondering why I’m calling them the Vannies and not something like the Kirkies or Heathies. Well, to be quite honest, Vannies sounds cooler and rolls off the tongue just a little bit easier. So with no further fanfare, I present to you, Internet surfer, the first annual Vannies. (To truly get in the mood you need to imagine a big dog and pony show here as we start the awards show. Come to think of it, that is some fanfare, forget what I just wrote, you know like normal)
After the dog and pony opening number (including 3 wiener dogs, 4 Shetland ponies, an 2 Dobermans) the emcee for the night, Nick “Cage” Squires comes out and tells a few jokes. The first joke being that his dad thought of his name, Nick, while shaving. Canned laughter fills the room. The first award up for the night is “Best Live Show as Witnessed by Heath Kirk During the Fiscal year 2005-2006.” Since I’m the one that witnessed the live events, I’m called out to present the award along with the ever-talented Carrie Underwood. The show comes to a screeching halt as she tries to make out with me for the next ten minutes. It takes ten minutes because I’m not really fighting her advances. Finally, we get to announcing the nominees:
- Robert Earl Keen –Wichita, KS with the greatest second encore I’ve ever seen. The band was all acoustic and they played Shaver’s I’m Gonna Live Forever
- Slaid Cleaves – Okema, OK best act at the Woody Guthrie Folk Festival
- Pat Green – Wichita, KS Read my review in the “Archives” for more on this show
- Roy Clark – Ponca City, OK Me and a room full of blue hairs loved the show
- Remington Broncos Half Time Marching Band – Whitewater, KS Who doesn’t love Smoke on the Water (REK, or is it a James McMurtry, reference. Kudos to you who get it)
And the winner is… the Remington Bronco Half Time Marching Band. After handing out the award, Heath and Carrie go back stage and make out some more.
Next award is for “Best Single song of the fiscal year 2005-2006.” Hank and Peggy Hill come out to present the award. They talk about their two hit singles, Peggy Leg and The Turtle Song, then, the show comes to a screeching halt as Peggy tries to hold Hank’s hand for the next 30 seconds. Hank Gets nervous at this unwarranted and disgusting display of public affection and runs off the stage. The nominees are:
- Max Stalling – Drunk in Mexico the only ghost track among the nominees, this is classic Max, we all can’t wait for his new studio album to come out to listen to more new stuff
- Dwight Yoakum – Blame the Vain I love the talking part at the end “I saw ya Connie, now put the can down Connie, then she did a little hoochie coochie dance on that Dale Jr. poster.”
- Scott Miller – Freedom’s a Stranger Best of the best off of the Citation CD
- Bruce Robison – Virginia This guy just keeps getting better with time
And the winner is Drunk in Mexico, Max Stalling. Max would like to thank Frito Lay for a wonderful work environment before partaking on a music career and El Presidente Fox for running such a great country to inspire this song.
Now we have the law offices of Dewey, Cheatum and Howe come to tell about the voting process. The sole voter, Heath A Kirk (the “A” stands for awesome) sends his vote into the office where the vote is recorded and tabulated. Any ties are broken by a flip of a coin or a flip of a midget, which ever is handier at the time.
Then it’s on to “Top Female performing and singing artist of the Fiscal year 2005-2006” with the Olsen twins presenting the awards.
- Carrie Underwood – unfortunately she’s disqualified for making passes at one of the judges, well ok, the judge. That Howe is a stickler, but rules are rules, no matter how asinine the rule. I console her back stage
- Kasey Chambers – My favorite Australian export
- Sherrie Austin – My second favorite Australian export
- Kelly Willis – the wife of Bruce the great
And the winner is, Kasey Chambers. Unfortunately, the anorexic Olson twin collapses from the weight of the trophy. She’s ok, because those girls are indestructible, but the show is delayed a few minutes for cleanup.
Since the local networks are worried that we will now be cutting into their local news time due to the Olson and Underwood incidents and Cheatum going on and on about the voting process, leaving Gary England only 25 minutes to talk about a shower outside of Vici that may or may not inconvenience the locals there instead of the usual 32 minutes of a 30 minute broadcast he is used to, we speed up the ceremonies. Axle Rose and George Strait come out to present the “Male artist of the year” (see, even the title of the award was shorter in order to give you, the local news viewer more time to ogle the News 9 super duper greatest ever sky cam complete with Doppler radar and a sno-cone machine) They had a great comedy routine that they had been working all week long on, complete with monkeys and little people (that’s what they like to be called, little people) but due to the time constraints they go straight to the nominees
- Dwight Yoakum
- Max Stalling
- Robert Earl Keen
- Wayne “the Train” Hancock
- Van Marsalis
And the winner is… Van “the main man” Marsalis. (Honestly, did you expect anything different; after all, it’s called vanmarsalis.com) As they leave the stage, George and Axle “team rope” Van. Van gets up and punches Axle in the nose and shakes George’s hand and say, “well done my friend, hey I’ve got a song you should record.” (Two years later, Van is rich and won’t talk to any of us peon’s because he’s too busy counting his money from royalties)
Next award is “Best Line or Phrase contained within a song produced or released during the fiscal year 2005-2006.” (Screw Gary England, this is my dream and my award show and he’ll just have to wait for a long award name) To present this award we welcome Terrell Owens and Shaq. Van comes out and hits Owens upside the head with his trophy he just won, but since it’s such a cheap award, it breaks. He then belts him one and puts him in a pile with Axle. The nominees are.
- Doc Marshalls - Tu as qu’a demander a les amis qu’ll me reste Depuis que t’es partie, moi je suis gone
- Travis Linville - And each step I take seems to take me Away from the things I once knew
- Scott Miller - That girl Elizabeth was born with a broken heart
-
Scott Miller - If the Boss had been a
preacher
He could‘ve led us to the lord
And the winner is the Doc Marshalls. They wish to thank some people and stuff like that. Cage comes out and wishes everyone a good night and leaves everyone with this bit of wisdom, “What did the fish say when he hit the wall? Dam. And take care Vici, a heavy shower is headed your way.”
…Then I woke up.
So, what have we learned today:
- Well, nothing really, other than I live in my own world.
- And Gary England plays a prominent role in my dreams, wonder what Dr Phil would say about that.
I’ll give this award show 5 out of 5 Carrie Underwood make out sessions.