Joe Dirt So your gonna'
tell me that you don't have no black cats, no roman candles, or screaming mimis?
Kicking Wing: No.
Joe Dirt Oh come on man. You got no ladyfingers, fuzz buttles, snicker
bombs, church burners, finger blasters, gut busters, zippity do das, or crap
flappers?
Kicking Wing: No, I don't.
Joe Dirt You're gonna stand there, owning a fireworks stand, and tell me
you don't have no whistling bungholes, no spleen spliters, whisker biscuits,
honkey lighters, hoosker doos, hoosker donts, cherry bombs, nipsy daisers, with
or without the scooter stick, or one single whistling kitty chaser?
Kicking Wing: No. Because snakes and sparklers are the only ones I like.
Joe Dirt Well that might be your problem, it's not what you like, it’s
the consumer.
Not only is this one of the all time great scenes in cinematic history, it’s true. And as a large consumer of fireworks, it is about the consumer, and the consumer likes ‘em BIG, LOUD and BIG. I must admit, I’m addicted to all kinds of fireworks. I’ve put off more than my share of epic firework displays. (And for all you moms out there, I still got all of my fingers and most of my toes) Me and two of the characters from the Big in Iowa review have shot off a lot together when I lived south of Bucklin. We celebrated the sixth of July. (That’s right the sixth, you could buy all the fireworks at half price on the fifth, thus doubling your firework experience) There would usually be about 5 to 7 of us out there shooting them off well into the night. And since I was in the middle of nowhere, I had very few complaints. In fact, I only had two complaints, one from grandpa when he came out the next morning and saw the mess we made and one from a neighbor kid. He would sit on his porch and watch the fireworks from the other side of the pasture, and his dad made him go to bed at 1:30 am. He was upset because he only got to see half the show. Then there was the time that me, a friend of mine from high school, my brother, and one of his friends shot off a ton of acetylene bombs. Now kids, this should only be attempted under the close supervision of a certified American Redneck. I won’t go into specifics here, for liability purposes, but it involved some silicone, a firework, some cups from the quik-pak-store, a case of beer and an acetylene torch. My cousin is an expert at making sparkler bombs. I won’t go into the specifics here, because of liability reasons, but it involves some electrical tape, a case of beer and a packet of sparklers. My neighbor was telling be about a friend of his that made his own firework one time. Notice, it was a “singular firework” and not the more popular “plural fireworks.” I won’t go into the specifics here, for liability reasons, but it involved a lifetime supply of black powder, a length of PVC pipe, a case of beer and a quick exit strategy before the cops showed up. Over time, I’ve become a self-proclaimed expert in the shooting off of fireworks. It takes a lot of experience to know when and how to put on a great show for the crowds and make sure they will ooh and ahh during the show. Tying fuses together, the use of fountains and multi-shots in conjunction with artillery shells is an art. I’ve got it all wrote down at home if you need help for your next fireworks extravaganza. Of course, my favorite is the bottle rocket. Illegal in most states, this simple firework is perfect to shoot at the lake. I suggest sitting at the end of a dock and try to shoot it so it goes off just under the water surface. It makes a neat little fountain if done correctly. Speaking of bottle rockets, the Bottle Rockets have come out with a new studio CD right on the heals of their recent live CD.
If I was starting a rock radio station, I would only have one rule for the DJ’s, they would have to play at least one Bottle Rockets song every hour. These guys know how to play rock music for the workingman. Like Hank Williams sang country songs for the working class in the early 50’s, this band plays rock songs for the workingman in the mid aught decade. (Is that what we’re calling this decade, aught? I really want to know because I have no idea what to call it) One song that really makes you think is Blind. It’s about how we would think about people if we couldn’t see them. Would we have voted for American Idol the same way if we had only heard the music, instead of looking at them? This and other examples are played out wonderfully throughout this song. “If we were blind, I wonder what we’d see.” By far my favorite on this CD is the first cut, Better Than Broken. “My heart is better than broken, not good as new.” Great line. Great song. These guys have a great knack for putting everyday stories into great rock licks. They do mix a little bit of political songs into this CD, which I normally don’t care for, but these guys are just so darn good, it doesn’t bother me. Of course, they also have some great heartbreak songs, like the aforementioned Better Than Broken and Happy Anniversary. I like some of their other CD’s a slight bit better. That’s no knock on this one, it just that they’ve put some great stuff and this is merely really, really, really good. Another good tune is Middle Man.
I kinda sorta have an uneasy feeling
About the same old crap you’ve been dealing
And more and more, I know you’re feeling down
So what have we learned today:
- You should have some Bottle Rockets, whether you’re talking about the shooting kind or the rocking kind.
- Joe Dirt knows his firecrackers
- And if you’re my neighbor, I’d make sure your lawn is well watered before the fourth
I’ll give this CD 3 and a half out of 5 sparkler bombs.